Phenomenologi

this is based on recent theories of intelligence...

2005-01-20T14:13:00.000-05:00

Your Dominant Intelligence is Intrapersonal Intelligence

Reflective and thoughtful, you enjoy spending time alone.
You are good at analyzing yourself - and knowing your true feelings.
Totally self aware, you are in tune with your dreams and desires.
A spiritual and philopsophical person, your inner calmness inspires and helps others.

You would make a great philosopher, researcher, or theorist.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

bandwagon effect

2005-01-20T13:57:00.000-05:00

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.
You have great vision and can be very insightful.In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.
Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

things made clear

2005-01-06T11:34:00.000-05:00

this month has flown by. i didn’t get to do all the things i wanted to (i never do), but many things have made themselves clear. friendships change (and it hurts), and someone’s devotion is becoming ever the more clear, with my own following suit.

my new year’s resolutions were always so vague that they weren’t measurable enough to be useful, so i didn’t really make any. however, one seems to have been made for me: live only in the moment. (still vague? yeah, i know – don’t ask.) there are good things in the past that are over; there are good things in the future that will happen only in God’s time. i need to live only for what He wants me to do now.

Character determines revelation.
--Oswald Chambers

what's goin' on...

2004-12-12T16:04:00.000-05:00

the semester's almost over!!! looks like this break is going to be a busy one, as well: still have most of my shopping to do, visiting family in MD, tom's coming home, noni's having surgery (not serious, it'll be ok), 21st bd(!), and going to NY. i love to relax, but "busy" means wonderful memories with special people.
speaking of special people, why is it that it takes the perceived threat of loss to fully realize how incredibily important someone is? is it just me? why? and yet, still, i value loyalty and consistency... i don't understand.

the more i live, the more i know: what's simple is true
- jewel

my lack of posts

2004-12-03T13:22:00.000-05:00

i’m posting to apologize for not posting in forever, also, to say that this trend will continue into the immediate future. the end of the semester always sux.
it’s going well tho. i just handed two huge assignments, and my group got 100% on our presentation yesterday! it’s funny, i should be happy about getting a perfect grade, right? but, really, it’s like, “darn, I did too much work, oops!”
well, only 4 big projects and 4 exams to go! so, if u check my blog every once in a while, check back in a couple weeks when i’m not goin crazy. oh, wait, then that would be never…ah, well, at any rate, talk to ya’ll in a couple weeks…

i know who i am. i know where i’m going. it’s beautiful. would u come with me?

optimism

2004-11-18T23:10:00.000-05:00

how about this: in the last few days, i've had about 4 different people tell me how happy i always am, and for once it isn't an act! being positive isn't not thinking any negative thoughts, it's thinking more positive thoughts then negative thoughts. i've found that even though it was somewhat forced at first (5 min. to counteract just one negative thought!), over time it has become easier.
people like to be around an encouraging person. it brings out the best in them (most of the time, anyway). mind you, i'm not talking being sticky-sweet, i'm talking about genuine, quietly stated optimism. i'm sorry if this concept seems basic, but it's something i've needed to master.

realism isn't necessary to function in life - in fact, the opposite is true. psychologists have a label for realists: they're called "depressed."

Man's real life is happy, chiefly because he is ever expecting that it soon will be so.
-Edgar Allan Poe

growth

2004-11-09T23:13:00.000-05:00

i was reminded today that God knows exactly what we need and when.
what is He providing me through this, and what reaction is it dependent on? specifically, what responses to my situation would cause me to grow the most toward the person He wants me to be? the answers come daily - no, they come minute-ly, in the smallest revelations.

don't expect big answers to small questions. what is life, anyway, in the scheme of eternity?

Seek

2004-11-01T22:38:00.000-05:00

sometimes i look, i watch, i wonder...about people, mostly. as i derive meaning from connection, i grieve the missed opportunities and the underestimations.
there are people that come to mind right this moment that i wish time and situation would provide means of knowing more deeply. but, alas, i can only focus on a few at a time, and life often seems to make the decisions for me through proximity and situation, no matter how i fight it. still, yet, i do choose some people distinctly...
i probably don't need to tell you, but...seek the best in people. the dissapointment is worth knowing those few people that blow you away.

i pray God grant you (and me, as well) balance, wisdom, and purpose.

to understand a part of me...

2004-10-28T23:55:00.000-04:00

'
Experience My Father
'
Selfishly sensitive, with deep dysfunction,
You were falsely fascinating,
The cause: an ingrown self and foolish blame.
Too immersed
To care enough to stay,
To try to see the hope –
I dare not do the same.

I loved you simply because you were,
And then you left me here without you…
Unclaimed, unloved, unsure.
The wound still weeps
Insecurity, and sorrow, yet, anew.

I dare not trust, as my heart aches again,
From experiences, I bear, time and again.
Experiences known truly? Not quite.
Breathlessly waiting, throughout my life,
Merely to feel… barely all right.

I fight ‘till almost there,
But peace still evades my somber soul.
Experience-taught to expect the worst,
I'm so afraid to even try,
Because my wings were clipped
Every time I – finally – learned to fly.

You are the enigma
That haunts
my reality of life,
To which I, for want of self,
Can’t simply say,
“Goodbye.”

Loss Avoidance: psych lesson!

2004-10-28T10:47:00.000-04:00

there were times in my life that i rationalized staying down. if i was already at the bottom then it was safe, as i couldn't go any lower, right? the only reasons people could give me for trying were just, "because you have to fight!"
"why?"
"because you do!"
"if i fight then it only hurts that much more when i get knocked down again."
[silence]

it seemed to make sense. it was so easy to rationalize, and, therefore, not be accountable for my own state of being. well, take it from someone who's been there, i've found the counter-argument. yes, there's always the argument that staying down is selfish, but i won't focus on that. there's something beyond. it's hard to explain, but here goes anyway..

the argument for staying down is based on a heuristic (a rule of thumb that your brain uses that's efficient but not necessarily accurate). It's called loss avoidance.
The basic concepts:
1. people gamble to avoid a sure loss
2. people don't gamble with a sure gain

here's an example: if a stock is going down, most people try to keep it to at least get what the paid for it, but, the fact is, that if a stock is going down, is is likely to continue going down.

here's the point: i thought i was safe because i was staying at the bottom. i.e., i was gambling with my life to avoid a sure loss. i also thought there was no where to go but up (i wasn't going to gamble with a sure gain), but what i didn't realize is that if i'm down, i'm likely to continue slipping downward. therefore, if i'm not fighting, the only sure thing is that life will get worse!!!! the loss avoidance heuristic was flawed in my application of it.

*In life, if you're not moving upward than you're moving downward.*

take it from someone that's been there, it's not that hard to move forward! studies have shown: happiness is related to 1. strong social relationships (yep!), and 2. interesting/challenging work; and also that happiness is relative. a specific thing makes us happy until we get used to it. in order to be happy we have to remind ourselves of what we have, so that we do not take things for granted. Happy people compare themselves to people who have less then they do.

ok, i'm sorry if all that sounded preachy. yes, i love psychology. it's because it makes a difference in what really matters: the heart and soul. but, it can only make a difference if you let it....
please let it.

love always......

The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
- Allan K. Chalmers

beauty from ashes: a choice

2004-10-27T00:39:00.000-04:00

as i study my way through another week of the largely meaningless, bureaucratic bullshit that is higher education, i find my solace in contemplation (as usual). fruitful? not always. fulfilling? depends on whom you wish to apply it to. me? i spend much time on one, breathtakingly beautiful example...

anyway, as i read jason's and tom's blogs i can't help but be reminded that pain has a way of defining who we are. this definition is affected by many factors, including particular experiences (duh), intelligence(how we comprehend events), support (both emotional and practical), and personality (we are born with inherent predispositions to act certain ways) - to name a few. it simply makes sense that God would use the pain that results from freewill to create beauty.
What people in pain don't always realize is that that beauty is a choice. Of course it is, would it be valuable if not fought for?

a list (i like lists. they make abstract ideas coherent.)
note: i wish to emphasize the significance of the choice between pairs of alternatives, as they are opposites in this particular process
which do you choose?
beauty, or bitterness
maturity, or selfishness
depth, or lack of feeling
hope, or void
compassion, or irresponsibility
love, or continual pain

choosing the first alternatives will cause:
-you to attract others that have done the same (this is a benefit i didn't anticipate but have been blessed beyond what i imagined)
-seek continual maturation (if you don't change your life, it will change anyway, only hurt more)
-life trials will gain perspective: if you've already run a marathon (i.e., you matured through something caused you great pain), a several mile hike is easier than it would have been before the marathon.
-it will hurt you if others don't do the same.

Perspective

2004-10-14T18:26:00.000-04:00

the strangest thing happened today... i thought about where i was, and who i was with, and, for the first time in a very long time, i wasn't living for the future. so much of my life is always about what's going to be, who i want to be, and how to get there. it took massive change for me to just...live... not knowing, not needing to know...

if death (the worst that could happen) is -100, and saving someone's life (the best that could happen) is 100, then what numericial value is having a bad day? something like -0.5? just a little perspective for the day...
well, i'm gonna go assign numbers to things (this will take a while, as u know i suck at math)...

"special" is relative, do you know enough to compare??

Friendship

2004-10-11T16:46:00.000-04:00

i have to keep this one short and simple b/c i don't have much time to write. just read tom's "take it while you can get it..." and was reminded of how important it is to tell people what they mean to you.
if you're reading this then you're probably one of my closest friends, and i want you to know that i appreciate you guys! i can't imagine any other people with whom i'd rather share experiences, emotions, and time. my individual friendship with each of you means more to me than i can express, and i shudder at the thought of losing that...
in everything, i pray for God's best for each of you!

A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.
- Arabian Proverb

P.S. i'll try to post more on this later!

part of something i wrote,

2004-10-10T21:03:00.000-04:00

just wanted to express...

Depth is earned, but not achieved
It chooses you when you have not tried
It is in the shadows behind your eyes
It is in the experiences you so want to hide
And in the many tears that you’ve cried
...
I’m constantly searching for someone invisible
Searching for the silent you that seldom shows
The depth that hides the innermost you
Do you have this you that I cannot see?
And if you do, do you share that with me?

I am prompted to share...

2004-10-07T18:33:00.000-04:00

a diary...
can’t they see that my world is never that simple? i am still exploring it. this recognition isn't new: what's new is that i've finally been given the courage to try.
will they understand that my sense of self
is as much an enigma
as the ultimate purpose
I can’t seem to find?.......

thoughts for the day

2004-10-07T12:02:00.000-04:00

God has given me a love that is greater than my pain. That love gave birth to purpose; purpose, self-respect; and self-respect, hope...

impulse must be trained into intuition by discipline
- oswald chambers

where i am

2004-10-06T16:53:00.000-04:00

i'm sorry i'm changing. i'm sorry my changing means that my life has to change. i'm sorry that my changing means that the person closest to me is hurting. changing hurts.

i love this song, it says so much about where i have to be right now in order to survive.

John Mayer, New Deep
v1
I'm so aliveI'm so enlightened I can barely surviveA night in my mindI've got a planI'm gonna find out just how boring I amAnd have a good time

chorus
Cause ever since I tried Trying not to findEvery little meaning in my lifeIt's been fine I've been coolWith my new golden rule
Numb is the new deepDone with the old meAnd talk is the same cheap it's been

v2
Is there a God?Why is he waiting? Don't you think of it oddWhen he knows my address?And look at the starsDon't they remind you of just how feeble we are?Well it used to, I guess
v3
I'm a new manI wear a new cologne andYou wouldn't know me if your eyes were closedI know what you'll say 'This won't last longer than the rest of the day'But you're wrong this timeYou're wrong

Bridge
Numb is the new deepDone with the old meI'm over the analyzing Tonight
Stop trying to figure it out(you try to figure, you try to figure it out)It will only bring you down
You know, I used to be the backporch poet with my book of rhymesAlways open knowing all the time I'm problably Never gonna find the perfect rhyme For 'heavier things'

ok, i surrender

2004-10-05T20:10:00.000-04:00

i hate to admit it, but i've got to jump on this bandwagon. i'm sure that i'll be posting when i should be homework-ing, but this form of procrastination is preferable to most.

i've greatly enjoyed reading everyone's posts! it's wonderful to step into your worlds for a moment. jeremy and sarah: i miss you and pray for you often! to all: no matter the situation, i consider you the closest of friends...

as it gives me pleasure to step into your thoughts, i humbly invite you into mine... with the hope that, perhaps, it might be a trip worth your while.

-- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"